By Alasdair Crosby
AM I the Invisible Man?
It seems so, as in the street I generally have to take sharp avoidance action to avoid being run down by other pedestrians intent on their important phone conversation or intently reading something on-line.
As I walk along, I play a little game: How many people that I pass by are on their mobile phones?
To explain the methodology of this little game, my habitual route takes me along my local town’s high street. Of course, the time of day is a factor to be taken in into account – and the weather. When it is raining hard or during a period of wintry cold, there are far fewer people walking along, glued to their smart phones — funny, that. During the lunch hour period the numbers are higher than in mid-morning or mid- afternoon. My highest score so far has been 35 in the course of a ten-minute walk. I try to avoid the lunch hour, as I prefer to spend that time enjoying that agreeable pause in the working day signified by the word ‘lunch’. But at any time of the working day, in good weather, the score is usually in the 20-25 bracket.
I exclude from my total people sitting on one of the benches in the pedestrian precinct making a phone call, as that is what I would do myself if I had to make or receive an urgent call, hoping that I had not chosen one of those ghastly ‘happy to chat’ benches by mistake.
Call me stuffy, if you like, but I would as soon as walk down the street with a phone to my ear, or walk along, head down, intent on my social media, as I would smoke a cigarette in the street, or eat food in the street, or wear brown shoes with a dark suit.
There is a Mr Bean film – I forget the exact details – but the hero, absorbed in looking at his phone, walks off the top of a building, and then oblivious of what he is doing, walks over the tops of traffic in the street beneath, safely to the top of a building on the other side. In the real world, we cannot be so lucky, and I cannot help worrying what happens to smart phone users when they have to cross a road. Did Mummy never teach them kerb drill? Why risk life and limb in the interests of polishing your Instagram account?
Yes, I do have a smart phone and I admit it does have some uses. I always take one with me on a dog walk, in case my dog disappears in hot pursuit of a bitch in season and I am then able to receive a call from a tight-lipped owner, who has got my phone number from my dog’s collar tag, to come and get him. Other than that, I find smart phones rather a pest.
At home, if I leave my phone downstairs, it invariably rings when I am upstairs, or vice versa. I have had to be reminded, recently, that a phone is not a dog and it doesn’t follow you about from place to place.
From the above, the reader will have gathered that I am not a fan of smart phones, or even less so, a fan of the world of social media, to which they are the gateway. The worlds of Twitter (sorry, ‘X’) and Facebook and their kin are faraway countries of which I am glad I know nothing. Tick-Tock is in another universe.
In all seriousness, the daily news provides countless examples of people whose lives have been ruined by unwise indulgence or exposure to social media.
Bullying used to stop at the school gate. Now the bullies can pursue their quarry 24/7. There have been suicides as a result. Pornography is pervasive. Make an unwise joke, or a statement that is then taken out of context, a political comment…. Hey presto!… you can be cancelled, you are suddenly a racist, far right, an Islamophobe, a misogynist… your opinion is ‘hate speech’ and the police become interested. So, you have to grovel in apology, and your job is lost and your career is ruined. All very Orwellian. Far better to limit your jokes and opinions to your own close circle of friends – verbally, so nothing goes viral – and eschew social media altogether. Then, if you don’t get the chuckle you expected, merely some raised eyebrows, you know you were not quite as funny as you thought – but no harm done.
Yes, of course I believe in free speech. The quote ascribed (probably falsely) to Voltaire should be a text for the modern era: ‘What a fuss about an omelette! How abominably unjust to persecute a man for such an airy trifle as that! I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it.’
Nevertheless, nothing would please me more than if social media could be dis-invented. Perhaps we could ‘cancel’ it — that would be quite fun. Thumbs up for that idea.
At least it should be strictly regulated, as I must remember to tell my friend Elon when we next meet for a chat.
I used to enjoy the pleasant isolation from the outside world provided by a car journey… shielded from all worries and intrusions until journey’s end. But nowadays: there I am, driving happily along – suddenly, the mobile phone sounds off on the passenger seat. I can’t do anything about it. It rings and rings and rings. It stops and then starts again. There is nowhere to stop to answer the call and anyway, the car following me is up my jacksie. Could it be an update about an elderly relative whose health is giving rise to concern? Could it be an important communication about my own business?
Finally, I find somewhere where I can stop the car safely. I swipe my fingers on the screen… nothing happens. Nothing happens on the second swipe – my language is getting a bit ripe by now. Then finally I get through:
A little breathlessly: ‘Hello?’
‘Darling, could you buy some milk on the way home?’
‘Of course, darling. See you later.’
Collapse from nervous prostration.
This article was first published in the Jersey Evening Post and is republished with their kind permission
